No! Your Mom!
by Handcuffs-and-Notebooks
Summary: Teen is handcuffed to a pervert detective. Teen tries to feed pervert detective almonds. Pervert detective refuses. From there, everything just goes down hill. Written when two authors debate which is better: a cashew or an almond. Crackfic One Shot.


_**iPod's A/N:** Chips is being too lazy to write an A/N. Lazy Chips is very lazy.  
**Disclaimer:** Neither of us own _Death Note_ but, btw, _Kung Fu Panda_ is an epic movie! Oh, we don't own _Kung Fu Panda_ either._

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**Third Person POV**

"Hey, Ryuzaki?" Light purred, trying to be seductive. He stalked over to the detective like he was actually coming from a different room. Which he obviously wasn't since they were still handcuffed together. He just did it for the dramatic effect.

L's eyes remained on the laptop in front of him. "What is it, Light-kun?"

Light took L's chin between his fingers and turned L's head to look at him. "Do you want some..." Light licked his lips and pulled his handcuffed hand from behind his back to right in L's face. "Almonds?" he asked, trying to be seductive.

L sighed, either unaware of Light's current _mood_ or just ignoring it. "Light-kun, almonds are not sweet and therefore I do not like them."

"What if I add," Light said, once again pausing for dramatic effect, "_sugar_?"

L's eyes widened as he gulped. "S-Sugar?"

Light smirked a bit. "Sugar," he confirmed.

"... What _kind_ of sugar?" L managed to tilt his head to the side, even as Light still held onto his chin.

Light blinked. There were different brands of sugar? "What do you mean, 'What kind?'"

"There are many kinds of sugar, Light-kun," L explained. "C & H Sugar, Dominos Sugar, Splenda..."

Light wanted to groan and rub his temples, which were currently throbbing. Leave it to L to ruin his moment. "Isn't Splenda fake sugar or something?"

"Yes but that's not the point. I do not even use Splenda."

"Why did you name it? And what _do_ you use?"

L froze, tensing up in Light's grasp. He opened his mouth but nothing came out. After a minute or so, he finally managed to get out the words, "Sugar in the Raw."

Since Light was still in the _mood_- although just barely because L was ruining it- that registered in the perverted part of his mind. The word 'raw' is very perverted if one thinks about it hard enough.

And, so a _lot_ of mental images flashed through Light's mind, which was still in the gutter. All of them had to do with a certain detective who just so happened to be sitting right in front of him. Not to mention said detective's chin was still cupped in Light's hand.

Light shook his head, trying to push back the mental images.

L just stared at him. "Something wrong, Light-kun?"

Light stopped shaking his head. He stared into L's black, bottomless- even though he wished L was topless- eyes. "That's hot," he commented bluntly.

L sighed. "Light-kun, I believe I have told you multiple times not to read fanfics at work, especially the ones written by fangirls and that include us engaging in... certain activities."

Light rolled his eyes. Yeah, like he was actually going to _stop_. L just didn't comprehend how addicting yaoi was. "Yeah, whatever. Do you want the almonds or not?"

"No."

Light took the bowl of almonds and sat in his chair, leaning back as far as it could go. He took an almond... AND TRIED TO EAT IT!

Except he epically failed because the almond was so small that he accidentally bit his finger.

"OW!" Light yelped with tear-filled eyes. He whined, "Ryuzaki! I bit my finger! Can you kiss it, make it better?"

"No."

Light snapped open his eyes and looked at L. He stopped his whining- not really- and drawled out, "WHY NOOOOOOOOOT?"

"First of all, your finger is covered in salt. Secondly, because kissing it doesn't make it better," L muttered, looking slightly irritated.

"... Yes it does," Light grumbled quietly.

To prove Light wrong, as he had done before, L dragged Light to the hospital*.

Light looked around with childlike excitement. "Oh my gosh, Ryuzaki! I've _been_ to this hospital before!"

He started running around and pointing at random things like:

A lamp. "That's the lamp that tried telling me my hair looked gay!"

A floor tile. "That's the tile I stood on when I had to go pee!"

Zac Efron. "That's the actor I strapped to the stretcher as a doopelganger when it was time for my surgery!"

As Light made a move to go on, he was pulled back. Turning around, he realised that all his running caused L to get tangled up in the chain. The teen could only smile smugly and sing out, "~Karma~!"

L growled. "What happened to the pain in your finger?"

Light blinked and held up his previously in pain finger, observing it. He stared at it for about twenty minutes, of which L spent attempting to unravel himself from the chain.

"... I think it's better now," the genius declared. That's when he realised that L's squirming had made the chain tighter and that the detective was now unable to breath. "Ryuzaki? I think you need air to live." Light poked the limp body.

There was a moment of silence as Light processed what was standing before him.

Then he gasped.

"Oh my gosh, you're dying!" Somehow, his IQ had dropped down to Matsuda's within the twenty minutes of staring at his finger. Perhaps the evil finger- of KIRA!- hypnotized him? "I've got to get you to the hospital! ... ... Wow, that was fast," Light said, glancing around the hospital he was standing it. "Hey, Ryuzaki, do you know why we're at the hospital again? DHJKSDFKSJJKHDSFZOMG L BREATHE!" Light ran around in circles, panicking. Somehow, the running around untangled L.

Somehow.

But Light was too busy being stupid to notice. He ran back over to the previously mentioned lamp and started yelling, "MY FRIEND IS DROWNING IN AIR AND CHAIN! WHAT DO I DO?

There was a pause as the lamp 'replied.'

"Hmm... Yeah, that's actually a pretty good idea." Light turned around to face L while standing next to the lamp, one of his hands curled into a fist under his chin. "Yeah, yeah, I see what you're saying... Huh? Wouldn't that cause the world to stop spinning? ... _Oh_. True, true. So I guess I just have to let him die then... What? I'm not Kira! Shut up! You're just-!" the genius spluttered, pointing pathetically at the lamp. "A LAMP!"

Another silence took over as the lamp gave its comeback.

Light looked horrified. "NO. YOUR MOM."

The lamp seemed to make another comeback, one that was unbeatable. Light, enraged, knocked over the lamp, breaking it. Because if he couldn't beat the comeback, he might as well beat the lamp.

"Ha! That'll teach you to mess with Light Yagami!" he shouted triumphantly, stomping on the broken pieces of the lamp for good measure.

Unfortunately for him, his shoes weren't as protective as he thought. Shards of the lamp pierced through them, ultimately stabbing him in the foot. "OWWWWW," he cried, "I _told_ Mom I should've gotten those Uggs**!"

Whimpering, he sat on the floor. Well, to be precise, he sat on the pile of broken lamp.

"OW OW OW OW OW OW," he yelped. "The lamp just stabbed my butt!" he sobbed. "THE LAMP BUTTRAPED ME. WHY, GOD, WHY?"

Suddenly, the clouds to Heaven opened up as a voice replied, "Because you seem to think you're God instead of Me. Obviously you're wrong because God can't be buttraped. So _ha_, Light Imagay!"

Light gaped. He was just taunted. By _God_. Blinking, he officially declared that he was crazy.

Or gay but he obviously wasn't gay with a name as manly as his.

L sighed and face-palmed. He should've just shut up and ate the damn almonds.

Even if cashews were way better.

He dragged Light across the floor- causing the glass to shove further into Light's butt- and went up the elevator. He stopped at the floor that contained the mental ward.

"I have a patient that needs to be admitted***," L declared to one of the doctors.

The doctor peeked around L to see Light sobbing on the floor about Uggs and mothers with a trail of blood following behind him. "Ah, I can see why. Tell me, are you going with him?" the doctor asked, gesturing towards the handcuffs.

L stood there, staring blatantly at the doctor. A good hour passed before he replied, "DHJKSFHDKSJFHDSK NO. YOUR MOM."

**Fin**

**Epilogue**

The lamp was never fixed, although his son was ordered to take his place in the corner of the hospital.

The next patient who came into said hospital had a mini lamp fall onto his foot and break it. He was then forced into the mental ward due to the fact that he wouldn't stop sobbing about lamps taking over the world.

He and Light became good friends.

But, alas, Light never did get his Uggs.

**Double Fin**

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**_Notes:  
_**_*****Chips wanted to put a reference to our previous story. Yay, Chips!_  
_******Uggs are boots._  
_*******Basically, this just means that L is sending Light to an insane asylum. Yay! Crazy Kira!_


End file.
